What makes for a happy and satisfying marriage? "The research evidence does suggest that all marriages, happy or unhappy, seem to deal with the same "tasks" of being married, and that these tasks change with life span development." John Gottman * Recognition that almost 70% of a couples major disagreements are about non-resolvable issues. They reflect normal differences in dreams and expectations and personality. In successful marriages the couple has developed processes that allow them to dialogue about these persistent disagreements withut discounting each other and arousing negative reactions. Maintaining a 5 to 1 ratio of validations and appreciations to each discount. This results in what Gottman calls Positive Sentiment Override--and what I call a positive field. The idea is that general atmosphere in the marriage is upbeat. Each expects friendly treatment and tends to interpret actions positively. Dealing with problems. In every marriage where there is closeness, there are many problems and issues. How the couple handles issues is critical to maintaining a positive field in the relationship. A key skill for a woman is to use a softened startup rather than a harsh startup, referring to how the problem is initially presented. A key skill for a man is to be open to influence rather than immediately be defensive and resistant. Regulating conflict Since differences are inevitable, the couples in stable marriages have learned, when in conflict, to keep their exchanges from being damaging. Each has learned to self-soothe when arguments get hot. There are three types of functional marriage: Avoiders, Validators, and Volatiles. All three models work. Only mismatches predict divorce. Positive fields The couple has developed ways of creating positive fields in non-conflict situations. They have invented ways of expressing friendship and appreciation that thread through their contacts with each other. They turn toward each other rather than turn away. They comfort and soothe each other in times of trouble. 6. Friendship This is a major accomplishment that couples in happy, stable marriages have achieved. Each party has created a deep understanding of what makes the other 'tick'. They know each other's dreams and hopes. They have a fondness and admiration for each other and have become each other's best friend. * (The Gottman Institute, Inc. has been conducting research into marriage for more than twenty years and have followed couples for as much as fifteen years.)